Shouldn't Performance Enhancing Drugs Enhance Performance?

We are saved by a slow summer Friday by news that Unfrozen Caveman Catcher Ronny Paulino has been suspended 50 games after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance. Allow me to be the 52nd person to say, huh? As Will Carroll put it in a tweet, "Does this finally prove they [PEDs] don't make a big difference? Will his 4 homers this year get *?" Amen, Will. Alternatively, Ted suggests that Krispy Kreme doughnuts have been added to the banned substance list. Either way, this is not the stat line you'd like to see if you found out your favorite team's catcher has been doping:

.529/.311/.354, 18 2B, 4 HR, 37 RBI (344 PA)

If PEDs up your OPS+ to 77, suffice it to say you're doing it wrong, Ronny. Confounding me further is the fact that he OPS+ed 99 last year, when he was (presumably) clean. Oy.

UPDATE via FishStripes: Paulino released the following statement: 

To control my weight this season, I used a dietary pill. Regretfully, I recently learned that the dietary pill contained a substance banned under Major League Baseball’s drug policy.

I am ashamed and saddened for disappointing and distracting my family, my teammates, the entire Florida Marlins’ organization, and baseball fans. My heartfelt and most sincere apology.

I accept full responsibility and all consequences for this mistake and therefore, choose not to challenge my suspension. I was irresponsible for failing to take all precautionary steps in confirming the approval of the dietary pill. Without a doubt, I have learned from my mistake.

Well, at least his excuse is league average. Brett Hayes, the starting job is now yours.