Trade Rumors I'd Like To Start

• Humble Pie has offered the Marlins $50 and a case of Heineken for Emilio Bonifacio.
• The Swimming Teachers Association is interested in acquiring Sassy Senior Jorge Cantu, but may not have the right mix of prospects to entice the Marlins.
• The Marlins are interested in acquiring AJ Burnett so that they can make him their designated postgame pie artist, protecting the injured Chris Coghlan. However, the Yankees are asking for Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison in return, so it is not expected that the Marlins will make a deal for such a limited role player.
• Work Dogs International is offering cash and a dog to be named later for the entire Marlins bullpen, who would be used for police dog training purposes. Apparently they needed a group of nonthreatening men for early-stage training.