Admit it, you felt a thrill when this happened

Everyone's favorite baseball owner nearly died at the hands of LeBron James last night. Surely you've already seen the video above, so let's skip the recap and go straight to the jokes!

LeBron says he wants a hat. Loria gave Hanley Ramirez a horifically blingy chain for winning a batting title. LeBron basically saved Loria's life. That is worth at least a gauche crown or two.

Also: Shoulda been you, Samson. Shoulda been you...

Unrelated: I was looking for something in my NBCMiami archive (seriously, I needed to find a link for another story, I was not reading my own stuff and marveling at my pithiness, I swear), and I found this gem: No one invited Chris Volstad to the Marlins' uniform unveiling, he thinks that means he's on the outs in Miami. Read that one right on the money, Chris! Good job.

Finally, in burying the lede: Ted and I are of course going to redesign our banner since it no longer makes sense. But we're both kinda busy, so we haven't had time to dick around in Photoshop. Perhaps you can help! We've got some ideas we want to play with, but would be open to input and will give you a certain amount of creative autonomy. We won't pay you, but Ted may buy you a beer sometime, and we'd proclaim you to be the finest gentleman (or gentlewoman) in all the land using our lightly-read Marlins blog as a trumpet. Hit one of us on Twitter or Facebook if you're interested.

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Miami Marlins Upping the Crazy

According to just about every baseball beat writer, the Marlins are close to a deal with the Cubs for Carlos Zambrano¹. As of this moment, it appears that the Marlins would be giving up Chris Volstad. Also of note, the Cubs would be responsible for all of Zambrano's contract, save for around $3 million.

This is awesome². We'll get to the baseball aspect in a moment, but from a pure blogging and entertainment perspective this move is great. Big Z is well known for his rabid emotional outbursts, both good and bad. You can bet Ozzie Guillen will try to reign him in and focus on the good energy, but there should certainly be some explosions that will provide real entertainment value.

From a baseball sense, meh? I like the move. It was hard to expect anything out of Chris Volstad anymore, so that's not a loss. In fact, some are suggesting a parade just for being able to unload him. What does Carlos bring to the table? Well, he still has stuff. He does walk a lot of guys and give up the long ball (gee that does sound like Volstad, ugh), but he possesses a live fastball and movement on all of his pitches. He should be able to eat innings (pun intended) and maybe rack up 10 wins. Actually if you are a fan of Bill James projections, he has Zambrano going 10-10 with a 3.89 ERA in 181 IP in 2012. I'd do cartwheels if he can match that. Carlos probably would as well, except I doubt he can perform a proper cartwheel. Maybe he'll celebrate with a beer chug³.

¹I was away from Twitter for most of the day, so I don't know who had it first. Was it Ken Rosenthal? Fuck it, my money is on Ken's bowtie breaking the news.
²Unless you are a water/Gatorade cooler. If you are, then you may want to find a safe house and lay low.
³Beer chug is much better idea.

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LOLstad

While just about all of his teammates were in Miami modeling the new Marlins uniforms Friday night, pitcher Chris Volstad was in Tallahassee getting ready to attend a college football game.

Volstad, the Marlins' top draft pick in 2005 out of Palm Beach Gardens High, said he wasn't invited to the rebranding ceremony, which makes him wonder if he might've thrown his last pitch for the Marlins.

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End of Season Awards

The offseason is upon us, so let's hand out some awards and superlatives. On with the memories with some awards I made up...


Dontrelle Willis Out of Nowhere Award, given to the player who was completely off the radar in Spring Training that made a big impact on the team: Chris Coghlan. Who knew Coghlan, who had never played a game in left field until the night before he was promoted to the big club, would flourish in the position? Coghlan wasn't even on my radar before the season, but what he lacked in buzz he made up for with performance, solidifying the leadoff spot and getting some Rookie of the Year consideration along the way.

Jorge Julio Award, given to the new addition to team who completely flopped: Emilio Bonifacio. Things went downhill quickly for Bonifacio after his inside-the-park home run on opening day, as he posted a .309 on base percentage this year, eighth-worst among NL qualifiers.

Darren Daulton Deadline Dandy, given to the best midseason acquisition: Nick Johnson. Johnson was the perfect hitter to place between Coghlan and Hanley Ramirez, when he was healthy. Hey, it's not like Luis Ayala was getting this award.

Next Member of the Marlins Diaspora, self explanatory: Dan Uggla. Congratulations on another great year with the bat. Unfortunately, you have priced yourself out of the Marlins' 2010 payroll. And when Emilio Bonifacio replaces you, hits .215, and costs the Marlins their season, Jeff Loria will blame Fredi Gonzalez and fire his ass. Way to go, Dan.

Bret Barberie Bizarre Boo-Boo: given to the player with the weirdest injury of the season, named after the time former Marlin Bret Barberie missed a game due to a case of habanero juice in the eye: Jorge Cantu. Everyone's favorite sassy senior had to leave the Marlins' June 10 game against St. Louis with a bout of the dizzies. The problem was caused by his cholesterol medication. Cantu is 27 years old, which may make him the youngest person in America to take cholesterol medication...


On with some other, more generic awards...


MVP: Hanley Ramirez. No explanation necessary.

Best Pitcher: Josh Johnson. The only pitcher you could count on to give a quality start.

Biggest Surprise: Chris Coghlan. In a deep farm system, Coghlan was not the first player you would have expected to make an impact for the Marlins, but he did.

Biggest Disappointment: Four-way tie for Ricky Nolasco, Chris Volstad, Anibal Sanchez, and Andrew Miller. Before the season, Ted said "The top three of the rotation [with Johnson] has a chance to be great... they don't need to be all stars now, just decent." I said "None of the Marlins' pitchers will get any Cy Young consideration, but not because they didn't deserve it." Josh Johnson held up his end of the deal. The rest, not so much.

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Week in Review

Jeremy Hermida hits and RBI-single on Friday night.

Overview: The Marlins showed just how effective they could have been had they moved to Portland as rumored a few years ago, going 5-1 on a West Coast road trip to San Diego and Los Angeles. The week went well enough that we still are not sure whether the Marlins will be buyers, sellers, or abstainers before the trade deadline on Friday.
Positives: The Marlins got quality starts in 4 of 6 games this week, with the starting rotation sharing a collective 2.70 ERA for the week. Hanley has another hit streak going; eight games so far.
Negatives: The Fish could have had a perfect week had the bullpen not blown a two-run lead on Saturday night.
Highlight of the Week: Emilio Bonifacio drew a bases-loaded walk in the 7th inning Monday night to score Jeremy Hermida and give the Marlins a 3-2 lead. That actually happened.
Line of the Week: Chris Volstad went 7 innings to get the win on Tuesday in San Diego, giving up one run on four hits with two strikeouts and a whole mess of groundball outs.
Looking Ahead: After taking Monday off, the Fish return to Miami for three-game sets with the Braves and Cubs.


AP Photo/Matt Sayles via ESPN

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How Do You End A Slump?

Play the Padres, the only team hitting worse than the Marlins right now...

Ricky Nolasco did not have to try that hard this afternoon...

The Marlins swept the Padres in San Diego, getting a road trip started on a positive note. After watching Rick VandenHurk and Chris Volstad cruise through Adrian Gonzalez and the Replacement Level Hitters, Ricky Nolasco went 6 and 1/3 scoreless for the win on getaway day. Thanks to whoever informed the team that the All-Star Break was over a week ago...


AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi via ESPN

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Week in Review

Overview: It was another below average road trip to the west for the Marlins, as they dropped two of three in San Francisco and split a four game set in Arizona to finish the week 3-4.
Positives: A strong outing (complete game shutout) from Chris Volstad helped avoid being swept by the Giants. The team also tied the franchise record for largest comeback victory on Thursday, trailing the Diamondbacks 7-0 but rallying for a 14-7 win. In that game posted there first ever double digit run scoring inning (10 in the 8th).
Negatives: The rest of the starting pitching was not good. Sean West had a bad outing and has bent sent back to the minors. Also the club's offense was absent on a few nights including being shut out twice. Dan Haren I can understand, Barry Zito though can't happen.
Highlight of the Week: It has to be the biggest inning in team history, with a special nod to the decisive blow, the Brett Carroll home run that took us from 7-5 down to 8-7 ahead.
Line of the Week: Another great pitching line, this time from someone other than Josh Johnson. It is the aformentioned Chris Volstad performance.

W, 9 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 6 K

Looking Ahead: Hanley Ramirez and Josh Johnson are headed to St. Louis for the All-Star game on Tuesday while the rest of the team relaxes before a rather crucial four game set against the Phillies in Miami, beginning on Thursday.

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Chris Volstad Just Wanted To Get This Series Over With

Chris Volstad could not bear the embarrassment of being swept by the Giants

Has anyone else noticed that Chris Volstad looks like he is fighting back tears when he throws a pitch? Go ahead and check out a Google image search, he makes the same face every time. So from now on, I dub Chris Mr. Strong Men Also Cry. He also has this squinty thing going on with his right eye. It's a little weird. Can't argue with the results, though. Volstad shut out the Giants today, going all nine innings, scattering five hits while striking out six and walking none on 105 pitches. It was the first complete game shutout by a Marlins pitcher this year, helping the Fish avoid a sweep by the Bay.

In other news, Hanley Ramirez sat out for the fourth straight game and the Marlins called up infielder Andy Gonzalez from Triple-A, but Fredi Gonzalez says Hanley is totally not going on the DL and we should NOT panic. But I'm totally panicing, and there's nothing Fredi can do to stop me besides putting Hanley back in the starting lineup. I WANT MY HANLEY BACK!! Fredi says Hanley will play at least twice in Arizona this weekend. If he doesn't, I will FREAK OUT. Get better Hanley. We I need you.


AP Photo/George Nikitin via Team Rodent

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Pour Me Another

Image via GameTicker

Florida	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Volstad	7.0	4	3	2	1	6	2	2.70
Meyer (H, 4)	1.0	0	0	0	1	0	0	3.52
Nunez (H, 3)	0.1	1	1	1	1	1	0	4.32
Pinto (BS, 1)	0.1	0	0	0	0	0	0	1.42
Calero	0.1	0	0	0	0	0	0	1.13
Kensing (L, 0-1)	1.0	4	2	2	0	1	0	9.82

Another night, another blown save following another quality start. Exit Josh Johnson and Matt Lindstrom, enter Chris Volstad, Leo Nunez, Renyel Pinto, and Logan Kensing. One wonders at which point the starting rotation attempts a coup and installs martial law in the bullpen, renaming it The People's Republic of the Florida Marlins Bullpen. For now, though, I'll just begin drinking after the sixth inning.

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Starting Pitching, Errors, and the Solo Homer Vol. II

If you do not know what this is about, please refer to the first edition of this series, which debuted last Thursday

Starting Pitching

	G	W	L	ERA	IP	IP/S	QS
Since Last	6	3	1	2.95	36 2/3	6.11	2
Season	9	6	1	3.04	53 1/3	5.93	2

Errors

	G	E	URA
Since Last	6	4	3
Season	9	6	5

Home Runs

	G	HR	TR	R%
Since Last	6	3	5	15.60%
Season	9	8	16	27.60%

Overall Assessment

It's been a good week for the club and the main reason is the starting pitching. Josh Johnson's gem and Chris Volstad's nice performance helped the starting staff keep up its great numbers. It's amazing that with those numbers through nine games the club still has notched just two quality starts. I guess that's why some people don't like that statistic.

The error total remains very Marlin-like but all three of the unearned runs this week came in the Mets loss, late in the game when the game was probably out of reach.

Amazingly the Fish had a four-game homerless drought and still won three of those games, including a ten-run outburst on Wednesday night. Cody Ross' three-run blast to end the streak was a huge hit and went a long way towards winning this afternoon's ballgame. The key to the reduction in home runs but steady run scoring has been Dan Uggla and his RBI singles. Usually with men on (or not on) he is a homer or strikeout guy. In a postgame interview he sort of admitted to slightly changing his approach at the plate. If it's true or not Dan, just keep doing what you are doing.

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Your 2009 Verducci Effect Watch List

Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci released his annual list of pitchers susceptible to the Verducci Effect (he still humbly calls it the Year After Effect, but I'm not afraid to give the man his due). As expected, no Marlins made the list this year, but four other NL East pitchers made the list, including the previously mentioned Cole Hamels, along with the Mets' Mike Pelfrey and Jon Niese, as well as the Braves' Jair Jurrjens. Also making the list were two of the game's premier young arms, Tim Lincecum and Jon Lester.

Should any of these guys, their teams, or their fans be worried? I'll let Verducci take this one:

Over the previous three years I red-flagged a total of 24 young pitchers at the start of those seasons. Of those 24 at-risk pitchers, 16 were hurt in that same season. Only one of the 24 pitchers managed to stay healthy and lower his ERA: Ubaldo Jimenez of Colorado, a guy I said would be less at risk because of his powerful body type.

Yikes.

You've been warned.

Though I do not root for opposing players to get injured (we're trying to have a civilization, here, people), my inner reptilian brain cannot help but be pleased with Verducci's findings. With that in mind, I'm already worried about Chris Volstad, Andrew Miller, and Josh Johnson's inclusion on the 2010 Verducci Effect List.

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Living Up To The Billing

When we were creating this blog and thinking of potential names and tag-lines for it, one of the tag-lines I coined was "Pitching, no defense, and the solo homer," of course a parody of the famous Earl Weaver winning baseball philosophy. I don't even mean it as a joke, it does accurately depict what the Marlins have been about since the beginning of last year. If spring training is any indication (it's not) then the first third of that philosophy is down pat. Below are updates on three of the projected starters.

Ricky Nolasco had a good performance that most will not know of because it came in a simulated game on one of the back fields of the Jupiter complex. He reportedly threw very well and felt great throwing between 80-85 pitches and allowing just a few hits in six innings of work.

Josh Johnson went five strong innings on Wednesday allowing just one run while mowing down seven Nationals hitters. He also got a base hit off friend and ex-teammate Scott Olsen, which I'm sure he's more happy about.

Chris Volstad followed on Thursday with four scoreless innings against the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. He allowed just one baserunner, a single by Geoff Jenkins if I recall correctly, and struck out three.

Trying not to fumble the baton will be Andrew Miller, who will start today's game against the Atlanta Braves. As I wrote earlier, he could use a solid outing.

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