An Immodest Proposal

Now that the Marlins have begun their search for a permanent manager (and I for one think interim skipper Edwin Rodriguez has zero chance of getting the job), allow me to make a suggestion to Team Loria: don't hire a manager.

My reasoning is simple. Managers in baseball are worth only a few wins (or losses) a year, so why bother with the whole charade? Let Wes Helms take the lineup card to the home plate umpire before every game, and pitching coach Randy St. Clair can handle pitching changes. Whoever the new bench coach is can take care of pinch hitters and defensive substitutions, and just like that, the Marlins have cut $650,000 (Fredi Gonzalez' salary) from their payroll (Mr. Loria can send me a ten percent commission for the savings). 

It's time we as a society stop projecting so much agency onto our baseball managers. This could be Jeffrey Loria's second most important legacy (besides killing baseball in Montreal, obvs.). There's a reason so many managers in the early twentieth century were also ballplayers at the time, you know? Plus, Loria, the millionaire art dealer, can spin this as a dadaist lampooning of the absurd, so win-win, right?