Help Us, Barack Obama, You're Our Only Hope

Sure, the president has a flagging economy, belligerent North Korea, and other pressing issues to deal with, but that hasn't stopped a Marlins fan from petitioning the Obama administration to do something about Jeffrey Loria.

A petition was posted at WhiteHouse.gov Monday asking the President to champion legislation forcing teams that take public funds to build a stadium or arena to meet minimum payroll requirements or else be forced to sell the team.

The petition was written by the same dudes who got kicked out of Marlins Park last night. They have their own website, too: Rage Against the Marlins.

Problem 1: minimum payroll hardly guarantees a team will be competitive. (Exhibits A and B, the 2012 Marlins and Mets, who spent a combined $211 million in player salaries and lost 93 and 88 games, respectively)

Problem 2: This petition is one of the worst pieces of writing I've ever seen. The body, which is comprised of only two sentences, is below:

We call upon congress to create legislation that requires any major league sports franchise that operates within the United States, who take public tax money to help build a stadium or arena, must maintain a competitive payroll at all times, of at least 90% of the entire leagues average opening day payroll for the previous five years, for the first ten years after taking said money, and the failure to do so would invoke proceedings upon which the governing body of the league, in which the franchise in question resides, would be forced to immediately buy said franchise for fair market value, and the ownership group in question would be forced to sell it to them without dispute.

A prime example would be Jeff Loria & the way he has swindled the tax payers of Dade County for his benefit only.

So much bad grammar going on here: failing to capitalize Congress, missing apostrophes, the fact that the first paragraph is one humongous run-on sentence, and the silly use of the legal "said" to make it look like a more intelligent sentence than it actually is.

Not to worry, though, this petition has only 76 of the 100,000 signatures needed to elicit a response from the White House.

If Marlins fans really want Loria to sell the Marlins, their best shot at making it happen is by not spending a single dime on the team (tickets, merch, etc.) and hoping Loria's losses pile up enough to make it worth his while to sell. Any thought that a sitting President will force someone to sell his or her own business is pure fantasy.