Ten Very Specific Predictions for 2014

It's that time again...

1. Giancarlo Stanton will not be traded before the July 31 deadline, as the Marlins will attempt (probably in vain) to work out a long-term deal with him in the offseason.
2. In fact, the Marlins won't make any major trades this season. They don't have any big contracts to unload (except for Jarrod Saltalamacchia if you think $7M a year qualifies as "outrageous"), and will hesitate to part with any of their young pitchers barring a preposterously dumb offer. 
3. All you assholes will stop complaining about the Marlins Park home run sculpture and learn to appreciate its kitschy charm (not really, but a man can dream, can't he?).
4. Though the Marlins surprised many baseball observers by promoting Jose Fernandez and Christian Yelich to the big club last season, they won't repeat that with recent first-round picks Colin Moran and Andrew Heaney. With Heaney, the reason will likely be the team's surfeit of quality pitchers, while Moran will be held back by the fact that the Marlins won't be contenders in 2014 and preventing Moran's service clock from starting too early will save the team money three years from now. 
5. The Marlins' "revamped" infield will hit so poorly that Michael Hill will take the unprecedented step of signing Jose Fernandez' abuela to a contract. She'll slash .180/.450/.095, generating a ton of walks thanks to her Eddie Gaedel-like strike zone. 
6. Marcell Ozuna will be the Marlin most likely to appear in a Misadventures of the Tangerine Troops post this season (based solely on these two gems from 2013).
7. David Samson's efforts to increase attendance by quickening the pace of games won't the intended effect, but it hey, we won't have to watch as many hours of bad baseball, so we'll be okay with it.
8. This will finally be the year that a Giancarlo Stanton #Monsterdong finally kills someone. It'll be worth it, though.
9. Tino Martinez, still clearly not over his firing last season, will be seen outside Marlins Park holding a boombox iPhone over his head blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" in early May. It will be the saddest reenactment of that scene Say Anything ever.
10. 73-89, 4th in NL East (thanks to a very lifeless Phillies campaign),